And Then You Were Gone
by pamplemousse
Summary: Syd has lost all her trust in Vaughn, and has moved on is now living a new life. But has Vaughn really moved on? In Vaughn's POV.
1. Prologue

Author's Notes:  
Okay guys this is my first Alias fic ever and I'm really tenative about posting it. I'm not even sure if anyone will like it, but here it is!  
Title: And You Were Gone  
Author: Allie   
Disclaimer: Alias is not mine. All rights reserved to those who reserved them.  
Decription: Syd/V future fic. The fic of what if basically. Syd has lost all her trust in Vaughn, and has moved on is now living a new life. But has Vaughn really moved on? In Vaughn's POV.   
  
All feeback, review, and criticism is really welcomed! This is my first Alias fic so I really will appreciate whatever comes!  
~~~  
  
Prologue:  
  
I got a letter today   
An invitation  
And the writing looked like you  
Hello how are you and by the way  
Please RSVP I do...  
-Jude, "I Do"  
--------  
"Why do you think cupid hits us with an arrow?"  
  
"I think it's metaphoric..."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"I think it means that it stuns us, shocks us, and maybe, even hurts some."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just wondering."  
------  
It seemed so long ago that I really got to look into your eyes. To see all those emotions that you hid so well from everyone else. I could always tell (well most of the time) how you were feeling. You eyes would bring me into you, and I would feel those same emotions.   
  
Love.Hate.Anger.Pain.Anguish.Hurt.  
  
I wished that I could make things easier for you; try to help you along your way. It seems that you really didn't need me for that. I really wasn't needed at all. It has been four long years since we have last worked together. Has it seemed that long for you? It doesn't seem that way. You seem happier without me. I think I was just a burden for you. I caused too much pain in your life. Are things better for you? I honestly can't tell how you are feeling now...I haven't seen your brown eyes in over four years. But, from reading this...I really pray you are happy. 


	2. Chapter One

Chapter One  
I look over to the side of me. She is asleep. Wonderful. Beautiful. Angelic. Gorgeous. Amazing. Words cannot describe how Sydney Bristow looks. Her delicate features are wrapped up in my sheets, her head making the slightest indention on my pillow. Her breathing is even and still. She is still asleep.   
  
I make my way slowly out of her bed, recalling the events of last night. How I held her in my arms after she came to my apartment, after fighting with Will and Francie. She didn't tell me what they fought about, how the fight came along, but somehow she knew my address and at 1:34 a.m on Thursday she was at my doorstep. She looked at me, her brown eyes conveying such a strong emotion that I automatically took her in my arms. She began to sob, mumbling about lies, deceit, and how she just couldn't take the pain anymore. I cringed at all three. Inside I knew that I too was hiding something from her. I was lying, she had been deceived, and inside the pain was tearing me apart…  
~~~  
"So...this.... all this has been a lie. Everything has been a lie?" You mumbled the words out, one by one hitting me.  
  
I told her. I couldn't stand having this secret tear me apart inside. It felt good to finally let it out, knowing that I was off this case finally and I could tell her what I had done. I think telling her was the worst mistake I ever made in my life.  
  
"Not everything is a lie Syd, all of it was not a lie...I-" What was I going to tell her? How could I tell her that this had hurt me too? How I wasn't able to involve her because of not only my feelings for her, but that I didn't want her hurt. What would I say? That I was protecting her?  
  
"How long?! How many times has this been done? I don't even know if what you're telling me is a cover-up for the true story. And what did you have to do? What exactly did you do..." My eyes grew large, I looked down, and you knew.  
  
"What the hell were you thinking Michael Vaughn! I mean...I would never, yet you didn't tell me anything. Not even a clue to let me in on this..."  
  
"It was against protocol! And I know...screw protocol! Yes, what I did may seem wrong, but it was for the good of the Agency. It's my job, and then you not knowing...I was protecting you from the truth! You think that me not telling you didn't kill me inside. Knowing this all along, hiding this secret from you, from your father, from half of the Agency? Hell, Weiss didn't know!" I gasped all this out in what seemed like on continuous sentence. I felt dizzy, sick; I could feel my body preparing to vomit.   
  
"I don't think we can work together anymore. I...I...I can't trust you. I..." Your voice broke. Your brown hair covered you face, and I could tell that you were crying while gathering your thoughts on what you were about to say. "Why? Why do I always end up being lied to...I trusted you dammit! I trusted you!" You yelled at me, and I was broken inside. I stood there and pleaded with you, told you how sorry I was.  
  
"Sorry doesn't always work Michael Vaughn. I'm calling in tomorrow and demanding I have a different handler. This won't work. It will never work. I have all lost my trust in you." And then you left. And I stood there, lamenting on what had happened. I stood there and it began to rain. And you were gone. 


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two:  
I thought of writing sad words  
Of how it used to be  
But I didn't want to bring you down  
I guess the bells ring pretty well  
There without me  
Don't worry about me baby  
I'd wear the thorny crown  
I would play the clown...  
  
"So when the arrow hits you...how much do you think it hurts?  
  
"Hmm…I'm not sure. I think it hurts a lot."  
  
"But, there's good pain and bad pain right?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm thinking this is definitely a good pain."  
  
"Yeah...have you been hit by the arrow ever?"  
  
"I think I have. Definitely...yeah."  
----------------------------  
  
It's raining today. Like the day you left. I still work at the CIA, and have had few assets. I've only lost two assets in my life, you and Trisha. Trisha was a very good agent, not quite as good as you were, but very good. There was a malfunctioning in the transmitters and she was caught and killed. Since then I decided to change jobs. I became an analyst. I have to admit, I guess I'm getting much better at what I do, but I do still miss you.  
  
Do you ever think of me?   
  
That thought plagues me everyday. What happened to Sydney Bristow? Where did she move to, did she find someone else? Is she married, does she still work for the CIA?   
  
Slowly these questions were answered. I found out that you moved to Washington, D.C and worked at Langley. You still went out on missions, and were a top agent for the CIA. But I haven't talked to you since you left. I think back on that night you showed up at my apartment and how you were torn inside. What was I thinking to tell you what I found through my research? I must have broken you. Every time I think of this, I can't seem to forgive myself for hurting you.   
  
All my questions have been answered though. You're getting married, and hopefully going to live an extremely happy life. The card is very simple, and I'm surprised I even received one. The wedding's going to be in D.C, and your fiancée is Benjamin Johnson McKay. Sounds like he's a nice guy.   
___________  
  
"So she really left?" Agent Weiss pulled out some files from a drawer in Vaughn's office. He flipped through the manila colored files until he found it. It was huge, larger than any agent's file. Her statement was in there, which was honestly Tolstoy long, her records of different missions completed, and her personal record. Her whole life was in the folder.  
  
Agent Michael Vaughn took a deep sigh, "Yeah. She left. " He ran his hand through his already disheveled hair, thinking out what had happened the previous night. 'That was definitely the worst god-awful fight I've ever had with someone' he thought to himself. Weiss could tell by the dark rings under his eyes that Vaughn had gotten almost no sleep that night.  
  
"Look, Mike. I can see why she's pissed. I honestly understand her reasoning. And, I know that you have extremely strong feelings towards her, feelings that shouldn't even be there. But now, you need to get this through you thickheaded mind, she left. She's gone. There's nothing you can do but move on."  
___________  
  
Move on. I distinctly remember when Weiss told me that. I always thought that moving on meant forgetting your past, leaving it behind, totally wiping it from your memory. I've learned in these past four years that moving on means living with it. Living with the pain, dealing with it, because honestly I don't think I could ever forget you. I know that the hardest part of moving on is no looking back, and living with what you have.  
  
Does moving on include going to your wedding? 


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter 3  
  
I remember when  
In a lover's whisper you said  
No other man  
Would ever share your bed  
Well we both know  
That's not been so  
I wish I never let you go  
Now, you found a better man instead  
  
I wish you health and wealth  
And a white house on a hill  
And I, I hope you raise a family  
Little boy and a little girl  
A little more joy in this little old world  
Well that would be enough for me...  
  
"Do you think it's worth it?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"The pain. You know, the pain the arrow will eventually give you."  
  
"...Yeah. It's definitely worth it. If I had to choose over never knowing that certain someone over knowing them and their love and then getting hurt, I would choose the pain."  
  
"Yeah, me too."  
  
-------------------------  
  
I remember when I first came over to your house. Honestly, it was the loveliest house I'd ever seen. I kept thinking how "Sydney" it was. I also remember thinking I had to clean up a lot before you came over.  
  
You showed me around the kitchen, the living room, and the rooms. I kept thinking, "I'm finally get to see your room!" I had imagined what it would have looked liked. I was pretty close. A big bed, dark furniture, pictures adorning your walls. A perfect room. A beautiful, yet dark room. It seemed like a reflection of you.   
  
That afternoon we spent all day talking. We talked about so many things, about life, death, family, friends, our childhood, and our previous pets. The subject of my father and your mother was never brought up. A subject that we each secretly dreaded speaking about, but pretended it didn't bother each of us to any extent.   
  
Now that I think back on it, we rarely ever brought up my father. I would talk fondly about him, but I wouldn't really elaborate on the day that he didn't come home. We each had such fond memories of our childhood, and of our parents who left us at such young ages. I was afraid that, if we ever really talked about it, something would happen. Something would change. Such a delicate subject was to be handled later. We never really touched on the subject again.  
  
You've met someone that you can share your life with, who probably had a normal child, a normal life, and can share his life with you. I really am glad for you, that you can have that normality and live a wonderful life and move on.   
  
------------------------  
  
"I would love to have two children. A boy and a girl. What about you?"  
  
"Hmm...I think, no, I know I would definitely want a boy, and also a girl. Two would great, but three would probably be even better"  
  
"Three?"  
  
"Yeah three. Maybe two girls and a boy. Or possibly two boys and a girl. I would be happy with either"  
  
"What about all girls"  
  
"...All girls would be nice too."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, really."  
----------------------  
  
As I walk around my apartment, getting ready for work, I see the invitation and take time to examine it. It really is a beautiful invitation, simple white on white with a lacy trimming, your name and your fiancés written in calligraphy. I sit down and wonder why you would even send me an invite to your wedding. Are you mocking me? Do you really want me to come after what I did?   
  
----------------------  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
Michael Vaughn slowly rubbed Sydney Bristow's shoulders, trying to ease to what not only seemed to her, but also to him, the weight of the world that she carried almost everyday on her shoulders. They were both sitting on what seemed to Michael as a perfect bed, in a perfect room, in a perfect house, for the perfect woman. The blankets were tossed, the sheets wrapped around Sydney, and the only light in the room was the two candles light on her bookshelf. Michael rested her shoulders and gave her a gentle kiss on her soft cheek.   
  
"Vaughn..." Sydney looked Michael in the eye and he gave he raised his eyebrow and gave her a playful look, "Michael," she giggled slightly in the difference in name, "I want you to know that no matter what, I want to stay with you. I want you to be the only man who share my bed, share my good mornings, to share my goodnights. You mean so much to me, and I've wanted to tell you that for so long."  
  
"Sydney, I love you so much. You are amazing, really, you are, and I would never hurt you. You know that. I'll always love you, forever."  
  
-------------------  
  
I'm really overcome with emotions when I think about my fondest memory with you. You were my everything, my only one and true love, and I, I was the one who screwed it up. I was the one that hurt you. I stooped so low as to keep this secret from you, that I lost you. I really hope that, no matter what, in your future life that you will have with your fiancé that your truly happy. But, if I'm there, will that change anything? Does me showing your wedding mend the bonds that have been broken, the hearts that have been shattered, and the years we've lost? I honestly don't know, and now I can't think about it since I've sat here for too muchlong and now officially five minutes late to work.   
  
_______  
  
TBC. Btw, if anyone sees anything wrong, or OOCness in there please point them out to me. I know very little about men. I have no brothers, go to an all girls school, and have 3 guy friends who I rarely talk to, so if I've made this too feminine then please let me know, I'd really appreciate it! 


	5. Chapter Four

Authors note: I know, I haven't updated in, forever practically. But hell, might as well get it out of the way. This one is pretty and HTML spiffified. Nice italics and all. Enjoy! ~Allie  
  
-------------------  
  
Chapter 4:  
  
iTime rolls on...  
  
And dreams they die...  
  
And I've thrown out the pictures I had of you and I...  
  
And if you're ever wondering if love can be true...  
  
Well, think of me and remember darling like I, like I do.../i  
  
b  
  
"Favorite season."  
  
"Hmm...fall."  
  
"Fall?"  
  
"Yeah. It's a time of change, everything gets colder, and prettier. Plus I've been told I'm a fall person."  
  
"Like color wise?"  
  
"Yeah, color wise. Your season?"  
  
"Spring. Everything starts over again, its another time of change, but it seems more optimistic, you know? That, and I've been told I'm a spring person."  
  
"You have?"  
  
"No...not really. I've actually been told I'm more winter"/b  
  
------------------------  
  
Each day seems to play out in slow motion. Everything seems so slow now. Life seemed to be much more fast paced, much more exciting when you were around. I don't know if thats either critical of you or a compliment. I would take it as a compliment though, since for me, before you came, life was in slow motion. Sure, I had a nice job, my own apartment, and was doing something for the good of my country, but I didn't have anything that made it really worthwhile. I enjoyed being around Alice, but she was, easily put, dull. My mother...I love my mother. She was the one thing that, before you came, really kept me going.   
  
But now, it seems everday is just repeating itself. I feel like my life is a scratched record. It seems to be stuck in the same part, replaying it over, and over, and over. I've honestly tried to go on, tried to take off the record, move it, help it pass over the scratched section. I've gotten rid of past pictures, anything in my house that reminds me of you is gone. The only thing I can't seem to get rid of are the memories from inside me.  
  
---------------  
  
The blood was everwhere. Wherever he looked, he could see red. The whole room seemed to be spinning, and the red was engulfing him. He was dying. She was dying. And all he wanted was to leave. To leave the pain, the fire that was coming from inside him, from the petrified look on her face, and from this world that was filled with red.   
  
"Hold on. Please! You have to hold on..." Her voice was low, the plead came out and barely a whisper, but it was loud enough to reach him. He lay on the ground, his body giving up on him. Slowly life seemed to flow out from him.   
  
'So this is how it will end...me, lying on a floor, in my own blood, unable to help the one person who I love.' His thoughts began to grow fuzzy, and the deep cuts and burns began to go numb. He could no longer feel the pain from earlier, and everything began to slowly fade out.  
  
"Michael! Stay awake! Please stay awake! They're going to be here! Any minute! Any minute! Stay awake!" Her plead was louder this time. The voice was frantic.   
  
Sydney Bristow lay on a cold, metal table. The room was musty, small, and almost pitch black. Her ankles were strapped tightly to the table, along with her wrists. She could tell that yes, one of her wrists was definitly broken, and during their interrogation, a rib or two were broken as well. But what happened to her was nothing compared to what the KGB agents had done to Michael Vaughn.  
  
His blood seemed to be everywhere. They had no only pricked at him, burnt him, and ripped almost all of his fingernails, but mentally tortured him. By injecting him with hallucinagents, to hypnosis, where she was sure they had it so that he saw her death, his mothers, and any other close relatives replayed over and over in his mind.   
  
But he couldn't leave like this.  
  
"Vaughn! Stay with me! Please...please," she began to sob uncontrollably, "I...I love you...don't leave me, not yet, not just yet."  
  
Michael Vaughn subconciously heard these pleas and he felt the pain from inside him.  
  
----------------  
  
The pain that was worth it....I remember that conversation we shared that night in bed. About the arrow, love, about you, me, seasons, and children. I thought back to that time when your voice brought me back. iThe pain was worth it./i I slowly get out of my bed, looking around my room. You wouldn't even be able to tell that you spent weeks at a time here. There are no pictures, there isn't a box hidden in my closet of your belongings, and your name is off all of my address books. The only thing left of you are my memories. Memories of that last night we spent together before I told you what I had done. What my past assignment was, and how I betrayed you so.   
  
Trust...it all came down to that five letter word. You placed so much trust in me, Syd. How could you, when all you life, you were trained to lie? All your life you were lied to...and so easily you seemed to trust me.   
  
Yes, I did trust you. iYou have no idea how much I trusted you./i It seemed to take a while for me to put almost all my trust in you, since I have been taught to lie for the majority of my life. I was taught to keep secrets from everyone, and trust no one.   
  
When I met you though, everything seemed to change. The longer we knew each other, the more I could rely on you. The more we could rely on each other.   
  
Trust is such a fragile thing, though Syd. And I was the one who screwd it up. You trusted me, and I, I was the one who broke it. So why now, after what I have done to you, why would you want to see me now? Who the hell do you think you are, inviting me to your wedding!? Who the hell are you to bring up a part of my life that I was finally recovoring from? Who the hell are you to make me think back to some of my most painful memories?! You,Sydney Bristow...that's who the hell you are. The one who fucking screwed up my life.   
  
The woman whom I loved so much, but who I took so much away from, and who in return took so much away from me. 


	6. Chapter Five

Chapter 5  
  
~~~  
  
iIf you think that I don't love you, you're just wrong  
  
And that don't matter now anyway  
  
I couldn't bear to see you up there with a white dress on.../i  
  
~~~  
  
b"Has anyone told you how beautiful you are?"  
  
"No, not really," Laughter.  
  
"Really? Well, you're beautiful. You're beyond beautiful."  
  
"You are too."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really."  
  
"You're amazing, and I want you to know something, and it's really important-"  
  
"Before you say that...let me tell you this. I love you. I can confide in you, and the best thing is, I know I can always trust you. Isn't that wonderful?"  
  
"...yeah, it is..."/b  
  
------------------  
  
The sun has been coming out earlier and earlier it seems. It wakes me up every morning, right before my alarmclock goes off. I get out of bed, and morning routine comes into play. Bathroom, teeth, shower, get dressed, cereal or if I feel up to it, eggs for breakfast. Catch the news, feed the dog, leave. Traffic, radio, oh, and suddenly I'm there. Everday is the same. Over and over and over. If someone told me when I was 17 that my life would have become a monotonous routine when I was at the age of 38, I still wasn't married, and lost the person who I loved because of my stupid mouth, I wouldn't have believed them.   
  
Stupid mouth...thats all it was. A slip of the tongue. But that's not true, and I havn't even begun to believe that shit. I lost you. Me. Not him, nor she. Not someone else. It was me. What I did almost five years ago, I can't take back. When I had to pull that trigger...when I killed that person...and covered it up to you, making you believe you father had turned his back on you. When I killed her, point blank, I wished I hadn't. And when the Agency told me what Jack and I had to do so you would think that this wasn't planned, that we didn't plot this horrible assignment, I thought I would break. I was on the edge looking over, wondering "Should I dive in? Feet first? Head first?" but then I thought of you.   
  
Jack and I...he hated this as much as I did. But you have to understand, it was all for you. All of it. If you'd have given me the chance to explain all of this, maybe it would have made more sense.   
  
But at the same time...me, killing you mother. When would that ever make sense?  
  
-------  
  
So I think about all this. I think about this at work, when I sleep, when I eat, shower, even walk the damn dog. I can't get the visual picture of you leaving, the mascara streaking your face, your eyes red, your face in disbelief. I can't get the image of your mother, perplexed but accepting when I shot her dead.   
  
I'm alone, and yes, it's my fault. You've moved on, and happier now. Me showing up...I don't want to have these akward glances at eachother, I don't want to make you feel bad on your wedding day.   
  
----  
  
~~~~  
  
i...Here's my vow to you  
  
I'll stay away/i  
  
~~~~~  
  
----  
  
One lamp was on. There wasn't any noise in the house. A man and a woman sat in a bed, she looking intently at him. Staring into his green eyes, feeling as if she was completely safe in the house.   
  
The man, who began to feel everything he had drempt about: love, happiness, wholeness, knew something was wrong with this. Inside he had a burning desire, a feeling so strong, he was amazed that he was able to sit to calmly with this woman.  
  
This feeling inside was betrailment.   
  
Slowly the words came out, one by one. He didn't even know what he was saying. Didn't even know he was shaking. Everything went by in a blur. Her eyes. They grew large.   
  
His eyes filled up with tears.  
  
Her face changed. Anger made it's way inside her. Her hand made it's way to his face. Her mouth spat out words of hatred. His of disbelief.   
  
She got up, grabbed her belongings, said her final words and left.  
  
And all the man could do was sit in his room alone. With only a lamp providing him warmth from the sudden coldness he suddenly felt.  
  
----  
  
~~~  
  
iOld friendships fade away, love falls apart  
  
And you've not spent a single day outside my heart/i  
  
~~~  
  
----  
  
Michael Vaughn lies in bed on that day. It's a beautiful Saturday in May, and in a church somewhere near Washington,D.C. Sydney Bristow will soon become Mrs.Sydney Anne McKay. Her hair is long, in curls, her dress is white with rose petals in the skirt.   
  
Her friend, Nicole from work, comes in, her violet bridesmaid dress on, and tells her, "It's almost time! How are you feeling?!"  
  
Inside she feels nervous. Unbelievably nervous. She wonders how her fiance feels...does he feel the same was as me? She thinks about what she's going to say, since she wrote and memorized her vows.  
  
And inside, hidden deep inside of her, she wonders if he's here. If he has shown up. Because for four years she has been wanting to see him, apologize to him, and has never gotten the nerve to take back what she has said and how she left. She hasn't been able to leave her new, more comfortable life in D.C. yet inside she misses him. And inside she wonders if it right to miss this man, when she's about to commit her life to another.  
  
And then its time.  
  
And then she knows, and a small, silent tear makes its way down her cheek.   
  
------  
  
iBut, there's just one more dream that I have left for you  
  
I hope you're smiling when he turns around and says I do  
  
I do...  
  
I do.../i  
  
----- 


	7. Epilogue

Well guys, this is it. This is the finished product. Yeah, I know, a lot of people hate how it ends. Well, thats life, and sometimes life doesn't always have a happy ending. But, I'm really thinking of writing a sequel to this, but havn't an idea where to start. If I do, I'll be sure to post it ASAP. Please tell people about this fic, since I seriously worked my ass off for it. So, yeah, thanks guys! I really appreciate everyone who read and reviewed! You were my motivation for this fic. The song used for this fic is "I Do" by Jude. Strongly suggest hearing it, it's a great song.   
  
---------------------------  
  
Epilogue:  
  
  
  
He lies in bed, knowing that she's walking down the aisle. Knowing that she's looking deeply,intently looking into his eyes like she did him four years ago. He knows that he wants to be there. Yet he knows that its over. That time in his life has passed him. And now, after almost five years, it really is time to move on. He gets up, makes breakfast, sits down on the couch, watches the local news with his dog (who seems suprised when his master pets him on his head, and begins to scratch his side) His pet, Donovan, licks his hand in a loving way, and he looks down at him. And for the what seems the first time in years, he smiles. 


End file.
